Today I can’t stop crying.
Those of you who know me best will know that I am not that girl. I’m not prone to spend the day with the covers over my head sobbing when life flings a shovel full of crap my way.
Sure, I am in touch with the need to allow my emotions to do their thing. But my regular pattern is to allow the release to happen; be that tears, screaming, or smashing that figurine I always hated anyway against the wall. Then I breathe deeply, regroup and carry on. I have no patience with a self-pity party.
But this is different. No amount of tears seems to be enough to get to the release point. I just can’t get there and it’s absolutely maddening.
I’ve lived long enough to understand that “this too shall pass.” It always does. But that gives me little solace while I’m in it.
I’ve spent most of today trying to figure out why this is happening. What I can do to put myself in a different feeling place? How can I find the thought that feels better so I can shift myself upward on the emotional scale? Which of the dozens of grounding and centering exercises I know will shift things? (I’ve tried them all, by the way.) Why can’t I get in the space to meditate? But the answer doesn’t come.
Because the answer is that there aren’t any answers – period.
Whatever it is, why-ever it is I’ve just got to ride it out and let it happen.
And we HATE that don’t we? We hate not being in control, particularly of ourselves.
But I find that just making the choice to let it happen and not interfere gives me back a feeling of power. And however small that shift might be, it’s enough to make me feel like I’m part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
And today that’s enough.